I've been gone quite a while. It almost makes me feel unqualified to come back, but lately I have been hearing the Lord gently say to my heart "Speak to women." And then today, I received an email from one of you who shared your heart with me and reminded me that this is important. So, forgive my absence and thanks for letting me share my life with you.
This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. It started off so strong. My husband and I took an amazing trip to Hawaii last March, and I committed to going full fledged in my auctioneering business. I've been serving nonprofits as an auctioneer for the past 10 years, but this was the year that I was going to take it to the next level.
Turning 29 last May fueled a lot of change for me. I view 30 as being a real grown-up and there were so many habits I was committed to implementing before I entered the power decade, so I gave it my all. Frankly, I was crushing it. I took control of my life and my body and my business. I was an engaged and energetic parent, and I was eating healthy and working out all the time while learning how to grow my business. I felt like I was on top of the world.
Then one day in august.
One day in August, my daughter was climbing on a bed and somehow pressed her stomach in a way that make her throw up in her mouth. When she went to cry she choked on her recently consumed food. I was right there, but thought it was one of those silent cries before she dropped the big cry. After a few seconds, I saw the fear in her eyes. An image I'll never forget. Then she turned blue and went completely unconscious in my arms. The feeling of her going from life to lifeless still haunts me. My babysitter training from a decade earlier came back to me and I whacked her back so hard several times, and switched to attempting to scoop out her throat and back to whacking her back. I went back and forth for about 15 seconds (which felt like an eternity), knowing that if this didn't work, I'd lose her forever. I didn't know if it would work. I just smacked and scooped and prayed. Then she started crying. She came back to me. My greatest fear was not realized, but the experience shook me to my core.
Even though she survived, that experience still shook me to my core. I started having anxiety attacks, infant, just reliving this experience for you is making my pulse race and it is becoming hard to breath.
It all fell apart
Everything I'd been working for that year, had halted. I had fallen into anxiety and depression. It was enough hard to get out of bed and feed my kids, let alone do the work necessary to grow my business. The first few months were the hardest, and every day, I am coming out of it, but I still relive it and my soul hurts.
While, I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I am able to kiss my daughters luscious cheeks, I am also trapped in fear as if I used the last of my luck in that experience.
Again, I am wondering why the heck I'm writing this post.
Oh yes, to give you an idea of what to expect going forward. I am transitioning my focus of this blog from being a new mom to the life of a work at home mom, but you need to know the struggles I face as I chase after my "dreams." Let me tell you I say "dreams" for lack of a better word. I don't love the phrase "boss mom" or "boss babe" but I use it because it's hard to find a community without those cheesy phrases.
I feel like the "boss mom" and "boss babe" movements are full of women "doing it all." The problem is that it is discouraging to every woman out there who doubts that she has what it takes, because frankly they are overwhelmed with everything that is already on their plate. It's hard enough being a stay at home mom or a working mom, both of which offer unique struggles. Then to think about merging the two and creating a whole new level of struggles seems unattainable.
I'm here to tell you that you can have it all, if you want it, but you cannot do it all. You will have to learn to say "no" to certain commitments and certain relationships to focus on what matters most to you. You will have to ask for help (which is the most humbling thing to do). You will have to rely on God for strength and direction.
This is the direction I will be going with this blog.
This blog is for you if:
You are a #wahm (work at home mom)
You are a #sahm (stay at home mom) who wants to contribute to your family financially but don't know how (outside of network marketing)
You are a working mom but you want so desperately to be home with your kids, but just can't afford to.
You are not a mom, but you know that some day you want to stay home with your kids while also having financial freedom. Note: this is where I started. I started my business, knowing it would allow me the flexibility to be home with my kids one day. I knew that I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I also like designer denim, so I had to find a way to have both.
You are scrolling through all of the things on the internet and you are just sick of all the bullshit out there. This may be for you too. Sorry for the swears. I may swear. To quote my mom, "shit and damn shouldn't be swears in the first place." Sorry for throwing you under the bus, mom.
Come back for more.
I'm not entirely sure what this is going to look like, but I know I have to be obedient to my call to speak to women. I will write what I know, and be honest about what I don't know. I will make you laugh and maybe cry (sorry in advance for that), and most importantly, I will be your friend.